Forget Pizza; Domino’s Can’t Even Do Jollof Right
When Domino's announced the launch of yet another WTF menu item last November, we were knee-deep in the planning stages of EatDrinkFestival '22, so there was very little time to give this any proper thought, much less a full reaction/review. But guess what, Domino's? We now have your time.
Let me start this off by saying I was (okay, still am) a big fan of the franchise. In my Uni days, every “spare” £10 consistently went towards either a Chinese meal or a Domino’s combo order on a Friday night. So why is Domino’s Nigeria determined to fall my hand and stomp all over it?
In my opinion, their decline wasn’t immediate; it was a steady, gradual loss of confidence, over the years, in its ability to fulfil our cheap pizza dreams. First, it was the pizzas with meat and chicken pie toppings that had us a little dazed; then the Catfish Pizza reared its head (which, actually, (surprised us maybe the most); and now, it’s “Jollof” that’s purely just an insult to our culture.
My issue with Domino’s doing Jollof is not that they chose to do it — it’s important for businesses to keep weighing options and making smart decisions, and it’s okay to diversify. My issue is if, as a global chain, you’re going to take something so precious, so revered, so valued to us (that we’re constantly dragging ownership of it with the rest of West Africa), and add it to your menu, it better be the near-best damn Jollof we’ve ever had. Fly in elderly cooks from Edo or Osun State if you have to, house them indefinitely and massage their feet, as long as they keep churning out banging Jollof all day, every day.
My problem with this rice started long before I tasted it, which is when I should have known to quit ahead. It took over an hour to get to me (rather than the typical 25-ish minutes) and came in a slightly smaller takeout box than I had imagined it would… but no qualms, we move. When you pay N1,200 for a meal, you really have to adjust your expectations, no?
When I knew we were really at war was when I opened up the box and didn't even get a hint of that distinctive, distinguished smell of well-made Jollof rice. This food smelled of packaged seasoning and not much else.
Appearance-wise, it was deep red and promising, which I liked, but I was proven presumptuous when I had the first spoonful. This is the thing you need to understand: I'm a dustbin. I am incredibly easy to please with food and I'll pretty much eat anything that's not an olive. Context is important here so you can understand just how disappointing this food was.
Firstly, the texture was off because they used short-grain rice that wasn't 100% cooked through and felt a bit like it was just on the cusp of going off. In regards to the flavor, it's pretty much an abomination. Neither was it flavorful, nor did it bear any resemblance to Jollof rice in taste — which really made me wonder who the heck made this. Were they in a rush/having an off day? Or was the goal to send out consistently below-par Jollof rice to hungry people all over Nigeria? What I had was barely spiced, dark-colored rice at best, and I could only stomach about a quarter of the rice. Me — THE DUSTBIN
The only two things remotely exciting about this whole experience was: i) The packaging/branding (even saying this feels like a stretch), which gave off “giving” vibes, and ii) The chicken. Oh, the chicken was excellent. It was like old-school, slightly spicy, well-seasoned, super tender Mr Bigg’s chicken. I also love that it was a chicken thigh, so I could enjoy all that extra juiciness and live out my carnivorous fantasy.
Being that this was a very good piece of chicken, I tried (again) to have it with bits of it with rice, just to see if that would somehow elevate the experience, so I didn’t have to come to the Internet to trash talk Domino’s. But here I am, foaming at the mouth.
The bottom line: Please don’t order this — even if you temporarily have to endure hunger pangs. Chicken Republic is doing some version of The Lord’s work for a reason. Just go there and enjoy your cheap lunch in peace, abeg.
