I hate wine. White, red, sweet, semi-sweet — none of it leaves me impressed. This, fellow dysfunctional foodies, is where grape juice comes in for me. If you spot me at a party with what looks like wine in a glass, it’s grape juice. If I’m hogging a bottle while pigging out on snacks at work, no need for guesswork — it’s grape juice. Before you look down on my choices, show me wine with a better range, I’m waiting…

A little while ago, I decided it was time for a critical appraisal of my top juice picks. As a foundational member of the Anti-Wine Movement, I went grape juice tasting to explore some new, alongside tried-and-tested, options. And now, I’m equipped enough to point you to the brands that are right for you.

Cue my applause. Still waiting.

Healthiest Content: Chivita 100% Red Grape Fruit Juice

Damage — N850

I probably had a slight bias before trying out Chivita — fiiine, maybe a huge bias — but didn’t we all grow up with some Chi fruit juice of some kind?

PROS

1. Healthy-ish: The Chivita red grape juice is made of just fruit concentrate and water, so the ‘100%’ in its name means it’s all-natural. If you’re finicky about how healthy your grape juice is, this is one of the closest options you’ll get to fresh-pressed grapes.

2. Fruity scent: This was the part where I fell in love with this juice. The fruity scent is ON LOCK, so it gives you a great sensory experience before you get a taste. I. Love. It.

3. Attractive colour: Chi hardly ever misses with its looks, and the red-grape juice isn’t an exception. It has a deep-red, real-grape colour that’s almost sexy. With that colour, this juice could almost pass for red wine in appearance — great for wine loathers like me.

CONS

1. The taste factor: Here’s where you pay the price for the healthy part. The taste of Chivita Red Grape juice isn’t exactly bad, but it can sometimes seem watered down. Because the natural ingredients can’t have additives like other fizzy juices, there’s little to mask or make up for the simplicity.

Ed Note: Miracle is on her own here and we’re considering excommunicating her. A bunch of us EDL-ers LOVE Chivita Red Grape.

2. Nasty aftertaste: This juice leaves a faint rust-like aftertaste that just ruins the post-drink experience, so it’s best drunk with food on the side. As a stand-alone drink, I’m just not convinced it’s the best.

Classiest Branding: Ceres White Grape Juice

Damage — N950

Ceres is a natively South-African juice brand, but you can get a bottle at any local Nigerian store. My motivation for tasting this brand was really the name; Ceres juice is named after the Roman goddess of agriculture and fertility. With that kinda name, who wouldn’t be curious?

PROS

1.     Relatively healthy: Ceres grape juice has no added sugar or preservatives. On the downside, though, the grape concentrate used to make this juice is carbonated.

2.    Nice glass packaging: The juice comes in a palm-sized glass bottle with a replaceable cap. The bottle looks great and is comfortable for drinking, and you can easily preserve the rest of your juice. Also, drinks that come out of glass bottles just taste better, no?

3.       Natural taste: Ceres has the natural taste of real white grape, with a slight tang to it from the carbonated water. It isn’t too sweet and doesn’t leave an aftertaste, so it’s great even when drunk alone.

   CONS

   1.      Ordinary appearance: Like natural white grapes, the look of the white grape juice isn’t as deep or attractive as red grape juice. It’s mostly colourless, which looks great but isn’t quite as appealing as the other juices.

   2.    Bland taste: The carbonation in Ceres juice helps spice things up, but the taste isn’t so far from blandness.

Sharpest Taste: Imperial Crown Red Grape Drink

Damage — N450

With Imperial Crown, I’m a little uncertain as to whether it’s meant to be grape juice or a soft drink. It’s basically a mix of both, and I’ll forgive that because it actually slaps.

PROS

1.    Strong flavour: Imperial Crown has a strong grape flavour you can’t miss. If you’re anti-bland drinks, you’ll meet your match with this one.

2.       Super-sweet taste: If you have a sweet tooth, this is the grape drink for you. Imperial Crown is super sweet without being overly sugary, which I like.

3.       Handy packaging: True to its soft drink tendencies, Imperial Crown comes in a handy can that you can take on the go.

CONS

1.       Sharp taste: When I said that Imperial Crown slaps, I meant it literally. The combination of carbonated water and sweeteners in the drink gives it a teeth-clenching sharpness that’s a little over-the-top.

2.       One-time drink: The canned packaging of the drink is handy, but it means you have to drink it all at once. 330mls of carbonated grape juice can be a lot to take in at once, so it’s a downside that you can’t save the rest of your drink for later.

3.       Additives, sweeteners and carbonation: Imperial Crown is only 25% grape concentrate, with other additives and sweeteners making up the rest. If you’re particular about the nutritional benefits of your drinks, this isn’t your best option.

Fruitiest Juice: Flemish Castle Sparkling Red Grape Juice

Damage — N1450

With its black and red gangster-looking bottle, you’d have to look closely at a Flemish Castle to figure out that it’s just virgin grape juice.

Pros

1.       Fruity scent: The first thing you’ll notice upon opening a bottle of Flemish Castle is how gloriously fruity it smells. Sniffing this drink felt like being teleported to a field of grapes!

2.       Awesome taste: Thankfully, the taste matches up to the scent. Flemish Castle has an excellently balanced sweetness, and just enough carbonation to tease the tongue.

Cons

1. Price point: Noticeably, it’s the priciest of its competitors in the 275ml category (like Ceres), but not so ridiculous that you couldn’t get it if you wanted to.

2.       Uncomfortable cork packaging: The Flemish Castle bottle is covered by an unbelievably tough cork. If you don’t have a strong metal opener, shelve the bottle until you find one. I tried the — ahem! — less ideal methods of opening a bottle, and I can tell you for free that it’ll hurt badly. I’ve learnt my lesson.

Overall, grape juice rocks. And I hope that next time you’re tempted to reach for a bottle of meh wine, you’ll have a re-think and try one of these awesome options instead 🔥

Miracle Kati is a medical student, writer and small-town activist. She loves food adventures and daring to try everything edible from anywhere. I mean — what’s the worst that could happen?