A Definitive Ranking of Cocoa Beverages
Growing up in Nigeria, you were likely exposed to a wide variety of breakfast options during your early years. Even with the frequent rotation of breakfast options, in almost every household, it remained that whatever meal being served for breakfast would be accompanied with tea. ‘Tea’ in this case does not refer to the aromatic beverage from cured leaves. Actually, what we Nigerians refer to as ‘tea’ are actually cocoa beverages.
While there are no solid statistics to show how many Nigerians drink hot cocoa on a daily basis, the fact that there are several varieties of cocoa beverages on the market is very telling. We love our ‘tea’.
In this article, I’ll be ranking some of the more popular cocoa beverage brands available on the Nigerian market from worst to best on the scale of ‘I know this is powdered demon dandruff’ to ‘Hook it to my veins and let it replace my blood immediately’.
Suco Cocoa Powder Drink
Image credit: Spectra Industries NG
Suco, alongside cocoa beverages such as Vitalo (now discontinued) and Pronto, is popularly referred to as ‘Eruku Oshodi’ within Lagos. The Yoruba word ‘Eruku’ means ‘dust’ so ‘Eruku Oshodi’ literally translates to ‘Oshodi Dust’.
Now, if the streets nickname a food item ‘Oshodi Dust’, you can only imagine what to expect if you’re brave enough to taste it. Look at the word ‘Suco’. Now, look at the word ‘Sand’. Suco and Sand both start with the same letter and have four letters each. Coincidence? I think not! Do yourself a favour and avoid this one, dear. For your sake.
Denise’s Ranking: Everyone knows this is powdered Demon dandruff. Stop selling it to us.
Richoco
Image credit: Cadbury Ghana
Produced and marketed by Cadbury, Richoco is a cocoa-based energy food drink. Cadbury has an impressive wrap sheet where snacks and beverages are concerned and Richoco happens to be one of the company’s lesser-known creations, and for valid reasons. It tastes like sugary sand. Its coarse texture is everything that chocolate drinks should not be.
The fact that Richoco is a cocoa-based energy drink as opposed to a carbonated one is pretty neat and I respect that. However, I must let you know that only energy you’ll need after drinking this is the energy to throw the rest of it away. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Denise’s Ranking: There are less painful ways to punish yourself. I’d suggest befriending a Gemini instead.
Cowbell Chocolate
Image credit: Dozen Prices NG
Cowbell Chocolate Drink is one of the many beverages produced and distributed by Promasidor Nigeria.
With Cowbell Chocolate, it feels as if Promasidor is trying to redeem themselves from the travesty that is Cowbell Milk. Did it work? Absolutely not. Cowbell Chocolate is simply as disappointing as the rest of the family. Why? Any food product that gives you headaches after consumption should NOT be on the market.
Denise’s Ranking: I genuinely hope no cows were harmed in the production of this beverage. The cows deserve better, guys.
Bournvita
Image credit: Cadbury Nigeria
One of Cadbury’s much better creations, Bournvita is a widely popular malted chocolate drink. Bournvita makes up for the thorough mess that is Richoco. Gladly, this cocoa beverage cannot be mistaken for sand and/or trigger allergies for those of us allergic to dust. Although it’s not the creamiest or smoothest of the bunch, Bournvita is edible. We’re thankful.
Denise’s Ranking: While I wouldn’t want it in my veins, I wouldn’t mind it in my stomach. Keywords are ‘wouldn’t mind’.
Ovaltine
Image credit: Amazon UK
Ovaltine is a malted chocolate drink produced by Associated British Foods but licensed to Nestle (in the United States). Ovaltine is one of the better cocoa beverages on the Nigerian market. With a texture and taste so smooth, its barley-malt taste is arguably the most noticeable of all cocoa beverages on the list. Thankfully, this taste is anything but overwhelming and carefully complements the rich cocoa taste of the drink. It’s not bad, guys. Not bad at all.
Denise’s Verdict: As I said, it’s not bad guys. It’s not bad at all. In fact, It’s great.
Milo
Image credit: Nestle Nigeria
Nestle is one food/beverage company that never misses the mark. Milo, its widely popular malted cocoa drink, might as well be one of the company’s best creations to date. Milo is a revelation of greatness. One of the beverage’s tagline is ‘the food drink of champions’ and honestly, enough has been said.
Denise’s Verdict: Honestly, hook it to my veins and let it replace my blood immediately. I want to be a champion too.