The Definitive Ranking of Nigerian Small Chops
From "I'm not touching that" to "I'm saving it for last"
HONORABLE MENTIONS (They haven't fully blown yet): Yam balls, prawn-in-batter, stick meat, chicken-in-batter, buns, mini shawarma.
10. Mosa
NOSA: If you needed any proof that the terrorists have won, look no further than the existence of mosa.
FOLLY: Mosa should be discontinued. Not like the things that brands discontinue and people start Facebook petitions to bring them back. I mean discontinued like the way Abacha was discontinued, and we all threw parties.
FOLLY: I don't believe seafood should be fast food. Fish should be prepared with care and serious expertise and so there is no place for fish on a small chops plate.
NOSA: This is another "why" item in the small chops pandora's box. Like, why is this even there? I bet some Nigerian chef was out there with some left over batter from puff-puff and has no clue what do with it. "Well, I just made a boat load of puff-puff. Lemme just dump this sardine in here and fry it for bants". Yes, that's definitely where it went.
8. Cinnamon Puff-Puff
FOLLY: To me, cinnamon puff-puff is like Tinashe. It's up and coming but I'm not sure if it'll ever really blow so guys this one is dicey for me.
NOSA: This tastes better in theory than it does in reality. Cinnamon and puff-puff, what could possibly go wrong?
7. BBQ Chicken
NOSA: The chicken in small chops packs is about as meh as it comes. Like, "hey, it's chicken. Yippee, I guess".
FOLLY: They never get the chicken right.
NOSA: That too. It always tastes like making the chicken was an inconvenience.
FOLLY: Plus why do we call it bbq chicken when it's obviously not.
>6. Peppered Gizzards
FOLLY: Meh. These are always too oily and too tough to bite into. I can't come to a wedding looking like full take away and be struggling with my gizzard so pass.
NOSA: Folly is such a princess. Gizzards should be a lot higher. In my opinion, gizzards are elite small chops. Upper echelon small chops. On the Mt. Rushmore of small chops, gizzards are right there.
5. Peppered Snail
NOSA: You rarely find peppered snails in your standard small chops pack. There's only value because it's so rare. If peppered snails fully casted like puff-puff, I'd bet you'd hate it too.
FOLLY: Peppered snails are the only spicy food I will suffer to eat. I'll probably start sweating but I'll still eat mine and ask for the next person's.
4. Asun
NOSA: There's something about vulnerable animals that makes them so delicious. Lambs, snails, calves, baby goats. No way I'm eating grown ass goat. Jesus didn't die for that. A baby goat tho...
FOLLY: OMG Nosa, you're a terrible person. I hate the idea of veal. You know they don't allow the baby goats to move around so they don't develop muscle and the meat stays tender.
3. Puff-Puff
NOSA: Puff-puff has been grossly over-ranked. This is Folly's fault. Buns should be in this spot but you people are Philistines and thus, have no clue what buns are. Look, just ask any kid that went to Loyola. They'll tell you.
FOLLY: I once was at a family wedding and asked the waiters for an entire plate of only puff-puff. I don't know what "buns" are and I've never seen one, same way I've never seen a unicorn
NOSA: Let me put you on a little game, something I learned in NYSC Camp. It costs about N5 to make like 10 puff-puff balls. A caterer would rather give you 50 puff-puff balls than an extra samosa. Stay woke.
2. Spring Roll
FOLLY: Spring rolls are okay but I'm kind of over them. They are only nice when they are fresh and crispy and when they aren't they get soggy and chewy. If you ask me, spring rolls and puff-puff should switch positions on this list. I always exchange my springs rolls for the next person's puff-puff.
NOSA: I don't know what this girl is saying, but spring rolls deserve this spot. Caterers usually get lazy with and I see no reason to hold it against spring rolls. On good day, spring rolls are undefeated in the small chops game. Spring rolls are just like Robin Van Persie at Arsenal. He was never fit, but those 10/15 games he was, the man was goddamn unstoppable.
1. Samosa
NOSA: I'm one of those people that eats all the rice before touching the chicken. I was raised right unlike you savages. Samosa is the last thing I eat in a small chops platter. it deserves the deference
FOLLY: Samosa is the undisputed king of small chops!
NOSA: No debate. Argue in your house. Not interested.