Well, hello there, friends!

Remember me? No?

Well, I've been away from the blog for a bit, rusting away like an old frying pan, but hey, I'm back. And my reintroduction to the culinary circus of Lagos led me to a quaint little nook on 190b Prince Ade Odedina Street, Victoria Island - the Room Cafe.

I actually checked them out because of Tolani’s review, but after checking them out, I strongly disagree. I disagree so hard that I had do a password reset to get back into the site just so I can talk about how strongly I disagree.

So, let's chat about the Room Cafe, shall we? Picture your favorite childhood dollhouse, and then imagine if it decided to become a restaurant.

Yes, it's that tiny.

Charming or claustrophobic, you decide. Upstairs, there's an event space that has "previous life as an office" written all over it. I half-expected a printer to start churning out invoices in the background.

I had high expectations from their Instagram feed, but alas, the reality was more like a Snapchat filter— the promise of a Kardashian, but the delivery of...well, me on a Monday morning.

And don’t get me started on the pricing. I mean, how on earth are the mocktails just N500 less than the cocktails? I know the economy is bad and Buhari must go, but Jesus Christ, this is hitting egregious levels. N6000 for Chapman is absolutely insane.

Anyway, I'm a glutton for punishment, so I ordered the Lotus Pancakes with a side of bacon and some Mac 'n' Cheese with some Garlic Bread. And boy, did I roll the dice.

First up, the garlic bread was an uncanny interpretation of 'butter with a hint of garlic powder'. As for the Mac 'n' cheese, it was, in the words of Shakespeare, "full of sound and fury signifying nothing". "Nigerian" to the core, it was spicy enough to make a native Lagosian weep. I swear, I saw a mirage of Do Bowls in my tears.

Then came the pancakes. Now, I love cake as much as the next “hashtag foodie”, but not when I order pancakes. I had to send them back because they fell apart faster than my willpower in front of a La Taverna Pizza.

And the syrup? Presented in a small container with a rusty cover. Rusty! I wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't bothered to cover it.

If you’ve ever had cake from a Cakes & Cream or Diva Cakes, like the terrible ones they bring for office birthday, that’s what the pancakes tasted like. If you don’t believe me, just look at the pictures.

The bacon, costing a king's ransom of N1800, was like the world's saddest pork haiku - two strips of mediocrity on a plate. It was alright, but it had the same emotional impact as watching paint dry.

So, dear readers, if you're planning on visiting Room Cafe, brace yourself. It's a wild ride, filled with shocks, awe, laughter, and tears. But hey, if you're looking for a place that will challenge your preconceived notions of food, this might just be it. If nothing else, you'll leave with some unforgettable memories. And isn't that what life's all about?

If I run into Tolani, I’m going to fight her for that review because it was so far from what I experienced.