Review: The Smiths (Victoria Island)
Alright! I’ve been wanting to go to The Smith’s for a minute. Mostly because I admire the heck out of the business owners, man. It’s one thing to have/be born into money, it’s another thing to use it well and, my God, have they used money well. You can Google them for other stuff but they’re also the owners of Maple and Cafeteria.
I didn’t have expectations like that. I’ve been to Maple once and Cafeteria once. Maple was a bad experience, Cafeteria was a great experience so really The Smiths could have gone either way.
I showed up looking like a complete hobo and to the host’s credit, he was polite and friendly so I’m gonna assume they’re not one of those locations “wey dey look face”.
My friends weren’t there yet so I strolled into Angelika’s to look around and saw a bowl I really liked, asked for the price thinking it’d make a nice fruit bowl, it was N235,000 (or something like that). God punish fruit. Nosa thinks they’re razz anyway. They also had a few 500k candles. God, I need bastard money.
My friends came and I used that excuse to RUN out of that store.
Anyways, Toni and I do everything together so we’re doing this together
Toni: The drink menu looked appealing, but I disliked the format. I prefer seeing the ingredients of a cocktail upfront, without the flowery descriptions. Reading through them can become stressful. However, I appreciated the inclusion of pictures. The tiny text used for pricing on the side was also a bit stressful to read.
Imoteda: Yeah, I despised the menu format, but I understand how it might appeal to Nigerians. They might not read it, but it could impress them.
Toni: The space was good. Not overly aesthetic, with decent furniture, plants, and a clean environment. The chill music was nice, although there was a peculiar humming sound—likely from the kitchen extractor—that was constant.
Imoteda: I ordered the Smith’s Pop, which was visually appealing in a pop art manner. Unfortunately, it was so thick that it was nearly impossible to drink. The taste was heavily dominated by passion fruit, with a sharp acidic aftertaste. It lacked balance, and I suspect they forgot the prosecco. It was like drinking passion fruit syrup with lime. However, they remedied it by adding soda water, rum, and whiskey, which made it more enjoyable.
Toni: I ordered the Burnt Orange, which tasted like vitamin C—not the effervescent kind, but like those small tablets hospitals gave out in the early 2000s for colds. It was one-dimensional and sharp with a synthetic orange flavor. A single sip left a nasty citrus buildup at the back of my mouth. The menu suggested it was a fun spin on a Margarita meets a Paloma, but it felt more like a sad take on Nutri-C. The tequila was undetectable.
After complaining, both the manager and the bartender were receptive and offered to replace my cocktail. I opted for a Classic Margarita, as it seemed their signature cocktails were either poorly executed or the bartenders had forgotten the original recipes. (I’m judging based on only two cocktails sha so this might not be fair.)
Regrettably, the replacement margarita was not good either. It was extremely limey, with tequila and triple sec seemingly absent from the mix. I'm not sure about the tequila they are using, but it's a bit of a shy guy.
Imoteda: The food menu reminded me of Slow & RSVP, at least concerning the starters and burgers. However, the main courses were unexciting and uninspired, almost to a tear-inducing extent. They offered the typical five Lagos pastas.
On a brighter note, they had French onion soup, which I have been craving, so I forgave them for that.
We ordered the French Onion Soup, Bourbon Burger, and Filet Mignon. The waiter inquired about the “condition” we preferred for our burger and steak, which momentarily confused us. Nonetheless, we chose medium for the burger and medium-rare for the steak. The odd phrasing was a red flag; the server clearly didn't understand the difference between medium-rare and rare.
On my next visit, I'll stick to the first two pages of the menu. The French onion soup was delightful and brought me so much joy. It was rich in flavor, perfectly seasoned with a spicy kick from the chili flakes—an unexpected but welcomed addition. The cheese was gooey and stretchy, the bread absorbed the soup well while maintaining its structure—a solid ten out of ten. Remain small for me to lick the bowl.
They initially provided a teaspoon, but promptly replaced it with a tablespoon after realizing the mistake. It was excellent service.
Toni: The Bourbon Burger was quite good. The bun was a freshly baked brioche, and the patty was well-seasoned. The bourbon bacon jam was delightful, although there could have been more of it. The jalapeños added a nice spice that wasn't overpowering. They basically did what they do best - nice spice that isn’t Yoruba.
The burger sauce was tasty but a bit too loose so it didn’t have enough presence and made the burger sloppy. I had to switch to cutlery after the second bite. Despite the excessive amount of onions and soggy fries, I will definitely return for the burger.
On the onions, the GM was so shocked that he took a picture of the onions left over on my plate.
Imoteda: We ordered two servings of fries, but they were barely fried. I ordered the Filet Mignon, and regretfully, I should have saved my money. It arrived rare and cold, with no seasoning. The mashed potatoes were gummy and clearly blended, while the peppercorn sauce, though containing peppercorns, was unlike any version I learned in culinary school. It was also unseasoned.
The manager, Eli, explained that the bland seasoning was because people are finicky with how they like things seasoned. It’s odd, considering the soup and burger were well-seasoned but I’ll allow it cause Nigerians can be somehow. I took the rest home, but I believe it's still sadly sitting in my fridge. They also charged for take out pack which i think is razz behavior for expensive restaurants.
There was no dessert on the menu and we weren’t offered a dessert menu. I don’t know if they actually have any desserts but I was pretty full so I didn’t ask for one.
Toni: The service was generally good, and we appreciated their responsiveness to our complaints and feedback. However, there was a lack of initiative in communication from the staff. The host and server seemed to wait for us to lead the conversation or make requests, which felt a bit awkward. For instance, the server came to greet and stood around without bringing menus. I had to ask. Another time, I raised my hand and two people standing perfectly still saw but didn’t respond. When we looked away; they signaled to our server. Typically, they should let us know that they’ll get our server.
While they've been trained to communicate quietly with each other—a good practice—they also need training on engaging with customers.
POSTSCRIPT
Imoteda: Despite the hiccups, the French onion soup and the burger were redeeming factors. I’d return for those and to try more starters. Their receptiveness to feedback and prompt problem-solving were commendable. However, I'll skip the drinks next time unless someone else is paying.
Toni: ...precisely, only if someone else is footing the bill.
VERDICT
DAMAGE
Burnt Orange - N9000
Smiths Pop - N9800
French Onion Soup - N12500
Bourbon Burger - N15500
French Fries - N4000
Filet Mignon - N27000
Take Out Packs - N400
PARKING
LOL, please be serious (They have EZ Park)
