According to the Nigerian Internet, if you drink malt, you’re an armed robber.

There’s also a section of the Internet that believes that if you eat amala, you might as well join a cult and change your name to ‘Scorpion’ because you’re clearly dangerous.

I think it’s tragic that amala and malt get all this hatred so once again, I’m here to defend what I love. I’m going to be very direct on this matter. There’s no need to beat about the bush. Amala is one of my favourite things to eat. I also enjoy drinking malt – yes, willingly – and I think it’s a nice drink. There, I said it.

The slander on malt and amala is nothing short of terrible. At least half of Lagos and Twitter think both food items are vile. Before you press CTRL + Z on all things amala and malt related in your life, allow me to make a case for them. They deserve some sort of defence. They’ve been dragged in the mud for way too long. To be fair, I’ll be taking this from the prosecutor’s angle – All the Amala and malt haters; and the defendant’s angle – the people who see Amala and malt for the angels they are. I’ll also be judge and jury because I have three fair independent personalities.

Arise Denise’s!

Court is in session.

The Prosecutor’s Angle: Independent Personality One

Aesthetics and food go hand in hand. Amala, however, has no aesthetic appeal whatsoever. It’s an eyesore. Between its colour and texture, amala is simply a mess for anyone who likes good looking food. Amala is brown, slimy and looks like a sad yet glossy pile of poo.

Amala is usually paired with ewedu and gbegiri which are just as visually unappealing. Ewedu is a deep green slimy soup which looks like snot and gbegiri closely resembles diarrhoea. Put these babies in one plate and you have a sneak peak of what soak-away pits look like in their spare time.

Malt is an illusion that didn’t need to be created. It’s an illusion because malt was created for kids who are kids but don’t feel like they’re kids anymore. You know, when you’re too young to have the Remy Martin but Coke and Fanta are just too childish for you. Funny as it may be, malt itself is exactly like the crowd it was created for. It has the same composition as beer – barley, hops, and water – but it isn’t fermented. So it’s ‘mature’ but not mature enough.

Malt does nothing for the taste buds.

The Defendant’s Angle: Independent Personality Two

A wise man – or animated baboon, if we’re keeping it technical – once said ‘Look beyond what you see’. Wiser words have never been uttered.

Amala is like a diamond in the rough. It doesn’t look like much on the outside but on the inside, it is precious and priceless. Judging a food purely based on its looks is simply unfair. If you examine all the slander on amala, you’d notice that it’s all based on its appearance.

No one talks about its good sides. Amala has an amazing texture. It’s soft, fluffy and glides down with silky smoothness.

Malt is nearly not as bad as it’s made out to be. When it’s cold, malt is really enjoyable and refreshing. Asides the fact that malt is low in sugar, it’s nearly not as carbonated as regular soda. Malt is less likely to leave you bloated or suffering from gas – well except you have certain food allergies. Malt is a great option for individuals who want to enjoy non-alcoholic drinks but prefer not to drink soda.

The Judge’s Verdict: Independent Personality Three

The prosecution and defence have presented insightful angles on this case. Having considered all angles presented on the case, I will now come to my verdict on this matter. I understand I had promised to be fair and just but honestly, I see no reason why you’d hold anything against amala or malt.

Amala is an amazing meal option. Between its fluffy texture and flavour, I cannot decide what I enjoy best about amala. With malt, I understand it could be an acquired taste but it’s not the trash it’s made out to be. Call me whatever you want: cultist, armed robber or even scorpion. I’ll take it.   

If you’d like to have this case reviewed again, I’d be willing to. Feel free to leave your appeals in the comment section and I’m sure they’ll be considered. Till then, I’ll be in my safe corner wolfing down a hot plate of amala and cold malt. Who knows? I may have a Bounty for dessert.