Drink Lagos: Maison Fahrenheit
The arrival of the internet revealed catfishing to us and we kind of learnt that branding is just an another word for ‘packaging’. We also didn’t realise that catfishing and branding often tread along the same thin line.
Maison Fahrenheit has some catfish tendencies and asides its rooftop bar that mimics the beer and pepper soup joints you’d find in Asaba; it is also unashamedly a catfish. Let me explain.
Apparently there are two bars, one on the ground floor and the more popular rooftop bar. We preferred the ambience of the one indoors but when the waiter mentioned the drinks were made upstairs anyway, we hurriedly left like a bunch of alcohol-deprived freshers and yes, I think he felt bad. He seemed quite lonely downstairs.
The rooftop bar was copiously branded in Budweiser which was a bit nauseating, especially because of all the red décor. Yes, we love the drink but all the red made it feel like we were at a cult meeting. Thanks for the conditioning, Nollywood.
By now, Fahrenheit had to prove its worth.
We were handed the menu and it was a fusion of 12 Temple and The Lagoon’s menus; no drink components but cheesy one-liners guised in dry wit – at least there were no spelling errors with this one.
To start, I ordered the Espresso Martini because I relate to dry wit a lot lol. The cocktail had the tagline – If you live for Coffee and die for vermouth, this is definitely cocktail goals.
Folarin ordered the Chocolate Colada, a risk he was willing to take because coladas in Lagos usually come with lots of peak milk and chivita. That’s what you do when you have a perplexing menu handed to you, you settle for sadness. And his drink description was – Apparently, Chocolate is the new Pina.
What does that mean?
I pretended to like Folarin’s drinks because he thinks he orders better than I do and because my Espresso Martini had a feverishly bitter aftertaste; with more coffee than vodka, of course anything remotely sweet was a saviour. But sitting down without peer pressure, writing this review, I have come to a conclusion that it was an absolute mess. Particularly because it was really sweet and full of lactose.
Although this is what he had to say,
“It was so weak in alcoholic content as the rum seemed diluted and was more of a ‘pina’ than a ‘chocolata’. To achieve the proper chocolate balance, I’d have used cocoa powder in the recipe and supplemented with some chocolate syrup.”
My Espresso Martini on the other hand, has no case next to Zenbah’s Lychee Martini; the only martini I acknowledge. I mean, it was strong; and to quote Audu, “you arrive very quick”, which is the dream of every alcoholic. The interlaced chemistry of caffeine and alcohol will definitely do that to you.
Fun fact: Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, while caffeine is a stimulant. The net effect of caffeine and sugar is to mask the onset of drunkenness and increase consumption by creating an illusion of sobriety. This is of course, according to Montreal Gazette.
Our next round of drinks took forever to order as Audu slyly excused himself from our interrogation to go attend to other less high maintenance customers.
The Cognac Summit, which was apparently a dirty lemonade brought to you by bisquit is perhaps the most confusing line from the bunch, despite being the best of all the cocktails, though not extraordinary. It seems brandy or whisky and ginger are the secret ingredients to classics – remember Faux Buzz with A Buzz from The House and Adams Apple from Bottles? Sadly, Fahrenheit’s version still doesn’t qualify next to these legends.
While Folarin thought it was most similar to a Shandy, I felt it was closer to a Tiki as it had a certain freshness attached to it, perhaps from the ginger. Although I could taste a lot of pineapple-chivita here. For all its worth, it made me miss some good old brandy and tiki. Then again, what’s the point of visiting a place only to wish you were somewhere else?
Meanwhile, Folarin got trolled by the universe and got the worst cocktail of the night for his final drink– usually what happens when you lie that you order the best drinks.
Ed Note: Folarin also makes terrible food orders.
Folarin ordered the Balls Deep, which had the description: they told us to see no evil, hear no evil or speak no evil… nobody said anything about drinking evil. To be honest this was also the most creative description from all the concoctions.
When the drink was approaching our table, Folarin wailed because pink, green, and blue drinks give him high blood pressure as they’re indicators of cheap wedding cocktails. It also looked like they reused the same glass and pineapple from his previous cocktail. As he took his first sip, he exclaimed; “you can taste the cheapness. It’s like Chivita with some colouring”.
The mixologist made us write a list of drink components and because we didn’t sit at the bar to watch him make these drinks, we decided not to share his recipe because for all we know, it might be speculation. We’ve noticed some Lagos bars swap drink ingredients for creative writing, as a ploy to deceive customers (not me, maybe Folarin), when they’re really just deceiving themselves.
In conclusion, Maison Fahrenheit looks all bright and shiny till it speaks and all you just want to do is scream SHUT UP!
TL:DR
Good for: Groups
Food: Yes
Happy Hour: No
DAMAGE
Balls Deep - N3000
Cognac Summit - N3000
Espresso Martini - N3000
Chocolate Colada - N3000
Christina is a TV and Film junkie who also spends an incredible amount of time reviewing skincare products she can barely afford.
