NOSA: The parking is a bit shit and the waiters are morons. Just wanted to get that off my chest before anything.
FOLLY: 0-100 Real Fast. You didn't even ask them "how was your night?" first
NOSA: It's been a while since I've a had a proper shit experience at a Lagos restaurant, so I guess this was welcome. Started thinking I'd gone soft.
I'll be honest, it's a lot more fun writing about terrible places so Carlito's was a relief in that regard. You never want to lose your edge, yanno?
NOSA: Folly got their Buffalo Wings with a side of mashed potatoes, while I got the Hangover Bacon Cheeseburger with onion rings on the side. Nothing fancy.
Safe stuff, right?
FOLLY: Nah, the chicken wings were not marinated and so had no flavour on the inside. It was all coating. They were also hard - so odd.
NOSA: The texture on Folly's mash wasn't the best, but it tasted alright. I'll give them that. The wings tasted like it came off a zombie chicken, however.
FOLLY: I hate it when my mash is just literally pureed potatoes with no butter, herbs, cream or fireworks cause then it might as well be poundo. This mash was creamy in taste - I liked that. Sadly, however, it was chunky and had bits in it. Chunky peanut butter is a thing but chunky mash is most definitely not.
NOSA: The onion rings were complete trash. They were deep fried for waaaay too long or something. I could've probably squeezed a bucket of ororo out of the thing. The fries were garbage too. They fried them with the leftover oil from the onion rings.
FOLLY: One word: tragic
NOSA: I thought that was as bad as it got, I was so very wrong. I don't think I've been this wrong since I predicted Falcao would be the signing of the season. How could it go wrong? Di Maria and Adnan on the wings. Rooney/RVP up top with Falcao. HOW COULD IT GO SO WRONG?
The burger patty was trash as well. Yes, friends, I ordered a double McTrash burger with a side of trash. The patty was unbelievably hard and tasted like the Mr. Biggs one. THREE THOUSAND NAIRA for a Mr. Biggs burger. What a scam.
FOLLY: Nosa's burger conjured up imagery of Sallah at the back of my grandmother's house in Ilupeju. No, that's not a good thing because it smelled like I was eating a raw cow.
It wasn't a factor of the "doneness" of the meat as it was well done. I don't even know how to describe it; I just know it took me back to my childhood and the smell that surrounded the air as the men poured scalding water on the inflated animals and skinned them.
NOSA: The idea was excellent, from the fried egg to the bacon. The execution was just shambles. I can excuse the fact that burger lacked structural integrity. Shit happens, I understand. BUT, and huge "but", if your patty is going to be this garbage, no point wasting your time with the extra trimmings. That's like putting lipstick on a pig.
NOSA: This place was an absolute disaster for me. The food was absolute rubbish. You might go there and it's different. Actually, don't go there. Just keep driving till you hit Blowfish or Vellvett or Izanagi. In fact, you don't even have to go that far, just go to Yellow Chili instead. Lighting your money on fire is probably a better idea than spending it here.
This place is the food equivalent of those white trad boys that drive third hand Range Rovers and only buy N1000 gas. All that packaging for nought.
FOLLY: File this under tragic.
Carlito's Hangover Bacon Cheese Burger - N3300
Onion Rings - N1240
Buffalo Wings - N2280
Mashed Potatoes - N500