Everyone loves cooking shows. You have to be a terrorist not to. What if your favorite cooking show had a Nigerian equivalent?
NOSA: So this one is a no brainer. Why isn’t it a show already? Nigerians are the undisputed Shade World Champs. Imagine an Igbo woman saying “ndi ofe nnmanu” under her breath after tasting Yoruba stew?
FOLLY: Nopes, this can’t work in Nigeria. Nigerians will never eat at a stranger’s home because their late uncle’s wife’s step daughter’s niece from the village is a wicked woman and is trying to kill them. Nopes, can’t take the risk.
NOSA: Nigerians have ZERO chill. I can see people actually throwing blows over this thing and it’ll be hilarious. Speaking of throwing blows, I can’t wait to pitch my Nigerian Cheaters idea to AfricaMagic.
FOLLY: Like “Iz all over Jackie, dun cry dun beg” ?
PS: Why hasn’t anyone found this man in Houston yet ??? I really would like to know where he is now and if he found love again.
NOSA: Swap out the Iron Chefs for mothers. Call it “My Mother Can Cook Better Than Yours”. Two kids bring their mothers to face off. The kids will work as sous-chefs. You know how mad sensitive people get when you question their mother’s cooking. Like, people WILL fight you over that type of slander.
FOLLY: Or you know how they give you limited ingredients in Iron Chef. Imagine telling two Nigerian mothers not to use Maggi. Or Stockfish, or Shaki, or Pomo.
NOSA: No way you can tell a Yoruba mother that she can’t put pepper in her stew. Impossible.
FOLLY: They will ask you if they can go to the market and come back because there’s nothing here she can use.
NOSA: I really don’t think Nigerians will follow the Iron Chef rules. We don’t even stop at red lights unless LASTMA is present. Sidenote: if I see this show on AfricaMagic any time soon, I’m coming for my royalties.
NOSA: The worst part of Chopped is that they make you tell your sob story before they eliminate you.
“My daughter has whooping cough of the eyes and can only breathe through her butthole. I’m doing this for her”
Imagine Nigerians telling you their own sob stories.
FOLLY: “I have 40 children from 5 wives and I’m really struggling to pay for their feeding and education so if I win this money I will be able to take care of my family” Ermm it’s pretty obvious how this problem may be self inflicted but okay.
NOSA: You gotta hear both sides
FOLLY: The real kick here will be the time limit cause the chefs have about 90 minutes to prepare their three dishes and Nigerian food is so labour intensive. One cannot even make simple moi-moi in 90 minutes as you have to soak the beans for hours before.
NOSA: About that, does puff puff count as an appetizer or dessert?
FOLLY: Puff puff and nutella is dessert
NOSA: But puff puff in a small chops pack has to be an appetizer
FOLLY: Sooooo many Nigerian cupcake companies on Instagram. “Cupcake Couture”, “Cakes by Kemi”, “Moji’s Cupcakes”, “Cupcake Cutie”, “Cupcake Factory”.... I could go on and on and on.
NOSA: They’re all one company to me. I know one girl that will put weed in your cupcakes if you give her the raw materials. I have her business card...for research.
FOLLY: Most of them just put red food coloring in vanilla cupcakes and call it red velvet and that’s what pisses me off.
NOSA: The other day I learned red velvet is just chocolate cake with red coloring. I feel like I’ve been lied to my whole life.
FOLLY: I’ve seen a Nigerian cupcake company on Instagram that makes Hennessy cupcakes. NOTHING is clearly sacred to you Nigerians once it comes to Hennessy.
“A Nigerian party without Hennessy is just a meeting” - ME.
That said, I’m sure the Henny cupcakes taste awesome.
NOSA: If Gordon Ramsay ever comes to Nigeria, I hope he goes straight to Churrascos and fixes that Sharwarma because that’s the single worst thing you’ll ever eat in Lagos.
FOLLY: He should go to Mr. Biggs
NOSA: Well, Mr. Biggs is expected to be shit. Sauf the meat pie, Mr. Biggs is bottom feeder food like Taco Bell. You get what you pay for. Mr Biggs meat pie is the best meat pie you'll ever taste. Argue with your father, I'm not interested.
FOLLY: On second thought, I think he should go straight to Tantalizers, because it’s pretty much a landmark at this point. How many times has someone told you ‘You know where Tantalizers in Lekki is ? Don’t enter oh, just turn left when you get to it!”
NOSA: Did Tantalizers ever blow? It’s always been “Well, I can’t find Mr. Biggs” cuisine.